Team Billy and the Brain Tumor Research Walk and Ride

Today our annual event in Saratoga. We joined the Team Billy Walk for the Brain Tumor Society--a fun and fund raiser for brain tumor research. Always a great walk for a great cause and with good friends. And then the rest of our May tradition--bagels at Uncommon Ground-- then racing to Lyrical Ballad--the best used and collectible bookstore ever.

We come home satisfied that we exercised, gave to charity, found new books, and justified making Thai food for dinner.

But I also come home moved by the back story of today's walk. Ken and Sherri Grey's son Billy died of his brain tumor. Their grief became a cause and they allow their pain to become service to others.

Angelina Jolie's Pro-Choice Decision

You have by now heard that Angelia Jolie chose to have a double mastectomy as a preventative measure after assessing her risk for breast cancer. News reports are saying this is controversial and social media is filled with Pro and Con and WTF? messages.

So I am attaching the original New York Times OPED piece here below for you to read and consider.

This is an important cancer story and this is an important story for couples facing cancer or, as in Jolie's case, couples faced with the risk of cancer. But one important thing we have to remember and that some in the debate are missing is that: This is her body and this is her choice. Pro-choice means all of your body ---both above and below the waist.

Take a look. Here is the link.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/14/opinion/my-medical-choice.html?smid=pl-share

Happiness for Mothers and Fathers and Those In-between

Maybe on Mother’s Day we suspend the debate about who has it harder but it’s always kinda there. There are cultural roles and expectations. Moms who work get hit one way and Moms who don’t have it the other. And Dads work too much or not enough and are they doing enough at home?

Who is too rough? Who is too soft? We attribute the differences to gender and socialization. But for all the struggles we have in either role I can tell you—even without knowing you—that no matter where you fall on the Mother’s Day angst and Parenting spectrum you have it easier than Jennifer Finney Boylan. Boylan was a father for six years and a mother for ten years and in-between she was, well—in-between genders.

Yes. When Jenny Boylan was a young Dad she came out as transgender and she transitioned from a man to a woman and from a father to a mother.

Boylan’s new book, “Stuck in the Middle With You” is her story of the transition. And it was so much more than going from he to she. Boylan has a wife, Deirdre, who was with her through all of this and two kids who have had to make a challenging transition as well. And they all seem to have done this pretty well, which makes the case that in parenting and marriage and stepfamilies and cancer and caregiving and all of it—it’s about love.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Summer is Coming Again

Today we did a three-mile walk with hills. We were huffing and puffing but moving at a pretty good pace. As we made the turn to come back home I said to John, “Do you remember the summer after your first surgery; you could not walk from our front door to the car.” And he remembered. It’s a shock still, how that cutting into flesh and being sewn back together took away so much strength so fast. He looked the same but could not walk at all.

Now we hike and do hills and push each other on.

That summer of chemo changed so many things. No movies, no malls, no grocery stores. Even a tiny bit of air-conditioned air caused excruciating pain and frozen breath. He couldn’t even look in the refrigerator so I had to learn to cook. That was one of the gifts of Cancer Land—I became a cook. But that summer when it all began was so shocking and crazy.

I think about this today as we hike and run and dress for a dinner out. So many things changed. We grew from them and with them. I know that isn’t everyone’s path. Cancer can end a relationship as well. It can be too much. And no one gets blamed for that. It can just be too dam hard sometimes. So what I feel tonight is gratitude and grace.

Poetry Month Comes to an End

But not poetry....poetry is very important in Cancer Land. Here is more:

 Jane Kenyon and Donald Hall: Poets, lovers, husband and wife. Both had cancer . Donald, much older, lived. Jane, much younger, died. But, both being poets, they had the habit of turning all life experiences into poems. So we have poetry collections from each of them describing the phases of their roles as caregivers and as patients. It’s fascinating to read them together and to trace the intrusion and trajectory of cancer through their loving—and sexy—marriage.

Here is a poem by Jane Kenyon when she is ill and Donald is her caregiver:

    I saw him leaving the hospital

    with a woman's coat over his arm.

    Clearly she would not need it.

    The sunglasses he wore could not

    conceal his wet face, his bafflement.

    As if in mockery the day was fair,

    and the air mild for December. All the same

    he had zipped his own coat and tied

    the hood under his chin, preparing

    for irremediable cold.

                        Coats, by Jane Kenyon

Talking to a Sick Friend

We have been there. You have been the sick friend or you are the caregiver and you witness these conversations. A friend knows that you have cancer and what do they say now? They want to say something helpful, comforting or maybe distracting? But instead what comes out is painful, awkward or downright senseless.

And yes, it’s true even though we have been on the receiving end doesn’t mean we have not delivered our own misplaced advice, perspective or strange comments. In fact those of us in Cancer Land might be at greater risk of saying something untoward because we have some information or some advice.

But be mindful of this axiom: “A closed mouth gathers no feet.”

And then get this new book: “How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who’s Sick.” Its brand new and by Letty Cottin Pogrebin. Yes, you recognize that name. She was co-founder, with Gloria Steinem, of Ms. Magazine. So yes, this is a smart book and it’s not just etiquette—it’s also social perspective.

While warning off clichés and self-referential comments (My cancer, my wife’s cancer…) Pogrebin also explains how not to infantilize the patient, and how to talk with someone who has a terminal diagnosis. (Yes, of course you are visiting them—this is your good friend.)

“How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who’s Sick” is getting great reviews so you can find it easily at your local independent bookstore or at the library.

Raymond Carver for Poetry Month

 Gravy

No other word will do. For that’s what it was. Gravy.


Gravy, these past ten years.
Alive, sober, working, loving, and


being loved by a good woman. Eleven years


ago he was told he had six months to live


at the rate he was going. And he was going


nowhere but down. So he changed his ways


somehow. He quit drinking! And the rest?


After that it was all gravy, every minute


of it, up to and including when he was told about,


well, some things that were breaking down and


building up inside his head. “Don’t weep for me,”


he said to his friends. “I’m a lucky man.


I’ve had ten years longer than I or anyone


expected. Pure Gravy. And don’t forget it.”

--Raymond Carver